Only One

I do stuff like… explore the Norwegian wilderness and think beyond my competence.

Those of you who know me well know that I usually make fun of the people who write about their feelings and post it on the World Wide Web for everyone to read; however I’m about to be one of those people, and I give you full permission to make fun of me. I’m going to attempt to tackle my thoughts and spill them out of my keyboard and onto your screen.

We went on a hike through the wilderness of Kristiansand, it was incredible to just sit down and look out into the sea with the islands and mountains and sunshine. I realized that after being away from my comfortable life for a little over two months I have become aware of certain situations that occur in the world that I have never taken the time to actually think about. People all over the world go through unimaginable circumstances and I rarely think outside of my hometown let alone outside of my state and country.

A good friend of mine here in Norway (probably the friendliest person you will ever meet) recently told me about a good friend of hers back home. She told me about how they had known each other for many years and how much he cared about her and about things they had gone through together. I sat and intently listened to her while we sat at a little table in the middle of the downtown mall eating my delicious Norwegian ice cream. I had heard her talk about him before so I was interested in this story she was sharing and had a huge smile on my face; that grin quickly dissolved when she began her conclusion. Her voice started to quaver a little bit and I looked up to see her eyes beginning to water. I figured it was just because she missed him and was thinking about him, but attempting to be optimistic I thought about how fun it was going to be when she got home and saw him again. Little did I know that this reuniting between two friends was never going to happen.

She raised her head up from the spec on the table she was staring at and looked me straight in the eyes and uttered words I was not prepared for: “he shot himself in the head and died”. My eyes immediately enlarged and glazed over while the rest of my body froze with me just staring at her. First of all I felt like a terrible friend because I had no idea what to say and second of all I felt so helpless, like there was nothing I could say or do to make it even the slightest bit more bearable. The one-year marking point of this tragedy is the day that she flies home. Even though this catastrophe happened months ago I could tell the agony was still fresh. It was like the pain was physically ripping her apart, suffocating her. I could look into her eyes and see the agonizing torture she has to deal with, alone. Just hearing her talk about it made me sick to my stomach; I haven’t the slightest idea to what extent she is suffering. I can’t even explain it.

***

The other day I was talking to an old teacher and coach from high school. I asked her how her semester was going and she just replied, “tough” which was strange to me because this is the coach that taught me to anticipate challenges and make the best of them. However no one could have anticipated this challenge; she went on to inform me that a student had recently hung himself in his closet and his girlfriend was in one of her classes. I can’t fathom the feelings she must be overwhelmed with, the burden of depression pulling her down and the torment of confusion. This young high school girl and the rest of the students’ family and friends are undoubtedly drowning in agony.

We all know there are uncountable instances such as these and I could never truly cover them with justice. These aren’t just good stories to tell and they aren’t just good information and facts to make the front-page news. These are peoples lives, the only life they have. I haven’t possessed even a glimpse of depression or anguish like these people have had to endure; the pain in my life I’m sure looks miniscule in comparison to theirs. I do not know how they feel but I do know that it doesn’t matter how young you are or how much life experience you do or do not have, either way the pain is real and brings along the horror of hopelessness.

The circumstance is irrelevant; there is certainly indescribable suffering for the people left behind. It’s not just suicide, it could be a car accident or a sickness or violence or just any random disaster. Visualize your teenager, husband, wife, child, mother, father, best friend, whoever disappearing in an instant without warning. The last thing you’ve said to them could be the last thing you ever say to them. Think about your life without that person. Imagine waking up every morning and having to carry the hurt of that loved one not being there anymore, you can’t see them, converse with them, or hug them. Maybe you just want to have one last conversation with them but you are oppressed to face the fact that it’s too late. There are people who lay awake at night and recite the words over and over that they long to express. You want to tell them one last thing that you never really found the time to bring up and say, they were right there and you just figured you’d tell them later. I can’t imagine living the rest of my life bearing that pain. What if there is no later?

I think the most commonly asked question is why? I can’t answer that question but I know the answer to how… trust the One who knows why. It is the truth that only God knows and maybe if he told us it would only bring more anguish, so he’s protecting us. I’ve noticed that the more comfortable I get, the more selfish I become. When I feel like I have control (which I never actually obtain) I tend to think one dimensionally about my own life. I’m so worried about things that have no meaning at all: what I’m going to wear, which book I should read first, what I should have for dinner, how many miles I ran today. Seriously? Those are aspects of everyday life but lets try to think outside of everyday life just for a second, about the things that are truly significant; I know it is easier said than done, I’ll be the first to admit I awful with this.

When we are forced to step outside of our comfort zone and rely on the only One who really has the answer, then I think our pain and anguish and confusion can begin to evaporate. Why do we live so selfishly when there are plenty of opportunities to encourage the people around us? (This is by no means a guilt trip; this is just what I’ve been thinking about lately.) Anyway it’s not in our own capability, we can’t do it by ourselves. His power is made perfect in our weakness and we can’t bear this fallen world alone, we need Him and we need each other. I know its so cliché but really, tell the people you love that you love them.