Dearest Neighbor...

I do stuff like write a sham letter to our upstairs neighbors:

Dear neighbors above us somewhere,

It has come to my attention that you insist on having a nocturnal sleeping schedule. I have nothing against your sleeping habits, besides the fact that they are completely different from that of a normal person. It is your decision whether you want to rearrange your furniture at three in the morning. I really am glad that you are into interior design and making the most of your accommodations here at Roligheden; I’m sure your room will be on the next cover of SiA “Home and Design”. Don’t get me wrong I’m sure its very cozy I’m all about a good candle, picture frame, even a plant or flower of some sort, but I think you might be taking it a bit too far.

I’m curious also, in between the pushing and pulling of your large furniture against the cement floor, how do you conserve enough energy to then vigorously dance around your newly designed room in what sounds like wooden clogs with music I can distinctly hear? Lady Gaga never needs to be that loud, ever. It sounds as if you have elephants tap dancing up there to “Poker Face” and are about to fall through the ceiling as the grand finale and land on my bunk bed. I don’t think I would have on my ‘poker face’ at this point. Since I can already hear your festivities I’d really love to see them as well. I can only imagine how comical it must be based on the roaring laughter that vibrates through the vent above my desk. I understand some things just are really funny. I’m sure you’ve heard me giggle once or twice, trust me I enjoy a good laugh; but perhaps you could keep the hearty laughter to an inside volume during the wee hours of the night? I am by no means asking you stop laughing, “for laughter is the spark of the soul”; but could you please keep this spark under control and not allow it to explode as loud as humanly possible at four AM?

I also understand you probably have a lot to talk about, that’s great there is a lot going on. However, could you just try not to yell your details into the vent? The vent essentially then acts as a microphone into my room. I can clearly hear you, so unless the person within the five-foot radius of your room has a hearing impairment (which I’m not making fun of, that is a serious issue) perhaps you could bring it down a few notches? I mean I’m sure its very interesting but if I understood your language I would know everything about your life because I can hear everything that goes on in your room, not purposely mind you, I try NOT to listen but its impossible.

On the other hand perhaps I should thank you, when I can’t sleep at night I attempt to guess what you are doing by the clamor I can make out. So in that case maybe your racket soothes me to sleep every night. If that is the case would you like me to play wall ball on my ceiling with a tennis ball? Or would you prefer that we just use the end of our squeegee handle and pound it up to the ceiling?

Despite all the commotion and suggestions I guess I have come to appreciate your neighborly noise. You are part of what makes my flat seem more like home; so please continue to tap dance, holler, sing, and rearrange your furniture as much as you’d like. I'll just be down here listening.

Yours truly,

The attentive neighbor below you.